ONSKI'S WORLD

Hey there fans, Got another bad news story coming out of the UK with the little dude from the BBC show Top Gear, Richard Hammond, being involved in a massive car crash last week. Luckily he survived the crash and is on the mend. The crash was in a jet powered car, named Vampire, travelling at approximately 300 Miles Per Hour, the parachutes deployed but ripped causing the car to go off the track, flip several times and end up quarter of a mile down the track. He was attempting to break the UK land speed record for the Top Gear show when it happened. He flow flown by air ambulance to a Leeds hospital. Yesterday it was reported that he woke and spoke to co-host Jeremy Clarkson immediately asking, 'Was I driving like a twat?' Then he got out of bed and went to the loo. Another report stated that Clarkson jokingly replied, 'You always were a sh!t driver'. It is good to hear the humor is still strong, laughter is the best medicine. Since then Hammond has been joking with his

400 Official visitors had passed through my site earlier this month, lets take a look at some of the locations they have been from. (Hey you dont see your town here? Probably cause your Internet Service Provider doesnt run out of your town, Bugger!!) Thanks for all your support, keep on looking!! New stuff all the time Australia Armadale North, Victoria Auburn, New South Wales Brisbane, Queensland Camberwell, Victoria Cheltenham, Victoria Davidson, New South Wales Hawthorn, Victoria Malvern, Victoria Melbourne, Victoria Mount Gravatt, Queensland Normanhurst, New South Wales Notting Hill, Victoria Oatley, New South Wales Saint Albans, Victoria Sydney, New South Wales Wantirna, Victoria Yass, New South Wales ------------------------------- Canada Abbotsford, British Columbia Halifax, Nova Scotia ------------------------------- El Salvador San Salvador ------------------------------- Germany Filsch, Rheinland-Pfalz ------------------------------- Japan ------------------------------- Neth

This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination Without Cause." This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations! ------------------------- "Ridge Hall computer assistance, May I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" &q

In following the Georgie Vs Kenny game let me continue with some more look-alikes. Next is the Utah Jazz & All-Rookie NBA Team member Deron Williams And the King of Bling, JBin. Coming soon: Jason Mewes and a very special 1990's guest, Stay Tuned.

Post-its for those little things you might forget. Yep, I am thanking DT again for this.

Yep they are diamonds. Thanks again DT.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." ------------------------ Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Sharon: "Ok." Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!" ------------------------ A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "Ten" replies the Collingwood girl, "Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?" "

You just want this to be true... When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it i

Kenny is the star Stephen Jacobson from the hit Aussie film named Kenny. Georgie is the star of Georgie.com and 'In the Kitchen with Georgie'. Are they the same person, you figure it out. All I will say is they both have a huge fascination with poop, both enjoy the occasional hard hit and both love to talk about it. Then look at the pics. I think it is obvious. Sorry Georgie but you cant deny the resemblance, you know I love ya. On another note: This is a pretty funny film, go check it out.

A few funny advert from Carlton Draught, made from beer. (it is not the BIG AD) Check it out, high speed broadband would be preferable and it is safe for work. Oh yeah needs sound. http://www.flashbeer.com.au Thanks to DT for yet another great post. PS - I would have it via Youtube but they dont have it yet, sorry fans.

I have found this also works with Epping Plaza. Feel free to leave comments of other places you would find this. Thanks to TB for the input.

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crosse

Onski is getting tired (for now) of the death notices so here is some birth notices, of the Panda Bear variety. My thanks to CF for the fine pictures, very cute.

PLEASE NOTE: BEFORE READING THIS, FORTUNATELY I WAS WRONG!! While posting the death notices for Steve Irwin and Peter Brock (Two Australian Icons I have the upmost respect for) I noticed an interesting coincidence: Steve Irwin died on the 4th of September Peter Brock died on the 8th of September 4 DAYS APART Steve Irwins birthday was the 22nd February. Peter Brocks birthday was the 26th February. WOW 4 DAYS APART AS WELL!!! Now that leads me to make this brash assumption that another Australian Icon is going to die tomorrow the 12th of September. And this person is going to have the birthday of the 2nd March (or the 1st March be it a leap year thing). My initial suspicion was Barry Humphries but he was the 17th of February and that is 5 days in the wrong direction for the trend, then maybe the biggest icon of them all Nudge from 'Hey Dad' but no he was the 30th January. Then I just hoped that Aingela Bishop was born on the 2nd March but I just don't know when she was born

February 26 , 1945 - September 8 , 2006 Well this week is becoming one of the worst for Australian Icon's deaths. Recently after the death of Steve Irwin comes more shock news of Peter Brock, the Holden King, being killed in a racing accident on the Targa West Rally in Western Australia. Details are sketchy of the death but he will surely be missed on the Australian Racing circuit for many years to come. Back in the old Holden Torana's to the 05 Commodores, Peter will be known as an Austalian Legend. Cheers to you Peter, you will be loved forever as the true Holden Man!!! Believe it or not: Peter Brock was driving a 1969 Corvette Stingray. Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. Coincidence or have the Stingrays got it out for Aussie Icons. Please note he wasnt driving a Stingray but it makes a more interesting story than him driving a Daytona Coupe. Also my comments mean no disrespect to Peter, he was a true hero and always will be 'King of the Mountain'.

Found this fella in my searches, he is the KING!! What a photo, I love this guy!!! Butch Fattassy www.myspace.com/butchfattassy

The Forum - Melbourne Saturday 26th August 2006. I had never really been a huge fan of Eskimo Joe , after hearing a few tracks on the radio I thought they pretty good but wouldn't have gone out of my way to buy tickets. But Marooch wanted to go and I was around when he was getting some tickets so I went for the experience. Plus they were voted the Australia's best live act in 2005 so what did I have to lose. As we walked into the Forum it didn't seem the venue for a rock concert. The Forum is a grand old theatre, with large booths, leather chairs, roman statues and detailed architecture. Marooch and I found a nice place to stand behind the front booths, where we had a slightly elevated view and something to lean on as your legs do seem to get a tad tired at concerts, or am I just getting too old for this. :-) The support band ( Josh Pyke and band) jumped on stage, I knew from the start they weren't going to tickle my fancy, shake my rump or even nudge my world (in comp

A unique review of the must be seen Film of the Year, Clerks 2. As written by the man known as MAD DOG!! The life of a pimp isn't at all like their portrayal in videogames and television. Sure, you have to smack the occasional bitch around and can optionally wear funny hats, but most your time is spent dealing with abusive Johns who damage your merchandise, as well as the inevitable STDs putting your girls out of business. That's why every self-respecting pimp needs an Old Faithful. Her name might be Bessy or Nelly, or something equally bovine/equestrian sounding. And that's fitting, because she's a real work horse; she isn't the best looking or youngest in his stable, but she's been turning tricks since before most of the other girls were twinkles in their father's eye. She puts in a solid performance, but nothing toe-curling, but she's always on time and she always gets the job done. Every self-respecting pimp needs an Old Faithful, and for Kevin Smit

Steve Irwin (22 Feb 1962 - 4 Sep 2006) News reports world wide are reporting the passing of Steve 'Crocodile Hunter' Irwin. Steve Irwin has passed away at the age of 44. The much loved Crocodile Hunter died during a documentary filming at the Great Barrier Reef today after being stung by a Sting Ray. He was stung in the chest. Irwin is also inspirational to many for his love of animals and the wildlife and their protection and conservation. He is also the man behind the Australia Zoo in Queensland Australia. He has been a bit controversial at times but his passion for wildlife and his family always shone through. He was a great man with a big heart. He Leaves behind Terri his wife, Bindi their 8 year old daughter, Bob their 2 year old son and a legion of fans and admirers. Please note that some people have made the mistake and thought Steve Urkel (Jaleel White from the TV show Family Matters) died. I will let you know he is fine and is currently a writer.