ONSKI'S WORLD

Found this one and just put it up for PP Found in The Plan

This is like a movie, so sit and wait for it to run.

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man didn't bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Actual Writings on Patient Hospital Charts 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" The fourth lady replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!!

The following is a letter a man sent to his wife My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and l

Thanks to MH for this fine advert find. (PS. I dont drink beer honey!!)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?' Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. Anyone else?' Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.' Thanks to MH for his short and simple joke.

Thanks to DW for these boys being boys pictures.

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like... A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put

Here was a letter sent to Miriam as part of her 'Miriam Says' section and her solution to the problem was spot on. Click on the picture to make it bigger. Thanks to DW for this great advice.

Was reading the MX today and saw a roast pig on a Suzuki motorbike. So I went searching the net for it. Along the way I found some other funny pictures. Check them out. The Roast Pig was seen at a town fiesta in Balayan south of Manila in the Philippines. The festival was in honour of the town's patron saint, John the Baptist. The next picture came up when I searched for a pig on a bike, for the life of me I cant figure out why, the pig is the bike, right?? Now this picture cracked me up, how would you react to a bikie riding around townwith a gigantic penis and a toilet as hit motorcycle seat. This guy rocks!!

Thanks to PP for the funny signs, I always love a good sign.

This fella, Ben Thomas, is amazing. He has taken photo's from around Melbourne played with them in Photoshop and has made them look like Minature Models. I am blown away with how good they are, wanna learn how to do it myself. Check out more of Ben's photos at http://www.cityshrinker.com . Click these photos to make them bigger and have a closer look. Thanks to Ben Thomas for the hard work, MX Newspaper for pointing out the pictures and Onski for his research in finding the pictures.

Odin is a five-year-old, 202kg white Bengal tiger. Born and raised at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, California. Look at some great pictures taken by Jeff Rayner as Odin swims for his dinner. Thanks to Onski, www.news.com.au and Jeff Raynor for these amazing photos.

40-ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No tits Average looking = Ugly Beautiful = Pathological liar Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure = On medication Feminist = Fat Free spirit = Junkie Friendship first = Former *very friendly* person Fun = Annoying New Age = Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very Fat Large frame = Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate = Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice

Thanks to JM for some very good pictures. And before you click away check out Elvis groin a second time.