ONSKI'S WORLD

Sarah Silverman's Matt Damon song. Oh this made me laugh, Matt Damon was a good sport on this one. Matt Damon & Guillermo in Bourne Ultimatum - Jimmy Kimmell Matt Damon gets blown off by Guillermo on the Red Carpet - Jimmy Kimmel

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure...

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A st rong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in...

Q.) How much does a house weigh ??? A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

Hi everyone, I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because I wanted to wait until things were final. I have purchased a 1-bedroom unit on Noosa Beach as an investment property! Closed the deal today and thought that I would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodation for long weekends at the beach. It's available for weekends and on a weekly basis. I will be handling bookings until I can find an agent. For friends and family, I will be asking $150 for weekends up to three nights, & $250 per week. In any case, it's a 1 bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush green trees, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo attached. Let me know if you're interested. Could do you a real special deal. What do you think???

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm. After a few Weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence. About a week later, this is what he found! Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away. Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict. Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's "few teeth?" (Note: the wires are 10 inches apart.)

This is for Eastern Suburbs Melbourne Australia! You take your boyfriend/girlfriend to Sky High for more then 'just the view'. You are wrapped that zone 3 has been removed. Every time you drive down Springvale rd passing Nunawading station the train happens to be crossing. You know the whereabouts of Ramsay Street. You stuffed up in year 12 and ended up in Swinburne Uni Lilydale. You stuffed up even worse in year 12 and ended up in Holmesglen Tafe. When you grow up.. you want to live in 'inner city East'. You dress better then your friends (from the west) i.e. they still wear flares. Anything on the other side of the westgate bridge is a hike. You or someone you know has chucked up on the sth Eastern or Eastern freeway on the way home from clubbing. You were not surprised by the riots at Noble Park Maccas. Springvale Rd is no more then 10 minutes from your house. You exit at Toorak Rd and NEVER use etag. You are paranoid and wind up your windows and lock your doors once...

If this isnt a moving image then click on the picture, or save it to your hard disk and open it, turst me you have to watch it.

(For your Aussies replace Essex in the following with Collingwood, you'll get the picture unless you are a Collingwood girl..) An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames." ---------------- An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I...