ONSKI'S WORLD

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A st rong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in...

(For your Aussies replace Essex in the following with Collingwood, you'll get the picture unless you are a Collingwood girl..) An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames." ---------------- An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I...

40-ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No tits Average looking = Ugly Beautiful = Pathological liar Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure = On medication Feminist = Fat Free spirit = Junkie Friendship first = Former *very friendly* person Fun = Annoying New Age = Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very Fat Large frame = Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate = Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt as though an important part of himself was missing. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44" long." Joe laugh...

24 things that make you feel like much more of a man: 1. OPENING JARS - Nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? G a y. A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle? 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. Noisy destruction = MAN. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door,...