ONSKI'S WORLD

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

George of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I though...

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A st rong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in...

Q.) How much does a house weigh ??? A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

Hi everyone, I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because I wanted to wait until things were final. I have purchased a 1-bedroom unit on Noosa Beach as an investment property! Closed the deal today and thought that I would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodation for long weekends at the beach. It's available for weekends and on a weekly basis. I will be handling bookings until I can find an agent. For friends and family, I will be asking $150 for weekends up to three nights, & $250 per week. In any case, it's a 1 bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush green trees, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo attached. Let me know if you're interested. Could do you a real special deal. What do you think???

(For your Aussies replace Essex in the following with Collingwood, you'll get the picture unless you are a Collingwood girl..) An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames." ---------------- An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I...

The UK's top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as: It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%) It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down (7%) It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%) Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%) If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%) In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4%) The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%) It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%) It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour (3%) It is legal to murd...

This is as high as Benny Cousin (yes I made that comment just for your Pedo Phil) Thanks for the pictures DW.

Here is an enhanced photo of Collingwood Football Club bad boy Alan Didak . Courtesy of http://www.jimmcphoto.com/ and DW . (Please note to all concerned, this is a joke! Please don't shoot me, I am just the messenger)

At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates. INSTRUCTIONS. Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds 2.5 Models 463 Wild nymphos 3,234 Good-looking nymphos 20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms 40,198 Bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER. One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the ol...

Thanks to DW for these boys being boys pictures.

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like... A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put ...

Here was a letter sent to Miriam as part of her 'Miriam Says' section and her solution to the problem was spot on. Click on the picture to make it bigger. Thanks to DW for this great advice.

This week we see the Groucho family hard at work, down at the Marina, moving the S.S. Safety Soapbox for us ! (see image one) Sadly, we should have used a more competent lifting crew, especially one that didn’t let anyone ‘ride the load’. (see image two) All’s well that end’s well, with the two Groucho brothers “bobbing up and down like a cork in the ocean”. Pity about the boat…..I am sure it wasnt worth that much. Thanks to DW for the wording and pictures.

Click this picture to make it bigger Thanks to DW for this educational piece.

A sign telling it as it is (according to the Telstra Advert) The Great Wall of China was built by Emperor Nasi Goreng, to keep the Rabbits Out. Thanks to DW for the picture.

Is this person the most stupid living thing on the planet? NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever." After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: "Which of the following is the largest?" A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realised that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, ...

Thanks to DW for the lovely pictures.