ONSKI'S WORLD

The Shredder

2011-08-23T22:31:00.001+10:00

Tribute to Captain Spaulding

2011-04-07T23:30:00.002+10:00

Some great art and tattoo's of the worlds favourite clown, Captain Spaulding (from Rob Zombie Films Fame)

Pics courtesy of http://rzfilms.blogspot.com/

Rob Zombie Festival Hall Melbourne 2011

2011-03-25T22:48:00.002+11:00

Probably the most enjoyable concert I have been to. I just loved every moment. Thanks Zombie and crew.

Here are some pics from the show on the 3/3/2011 at Festival Hall, Melbourne Australia. Sorry they are pretty average.

Perfectly Timed Photos

2011-03-25T22:28:00.001+11:00

Thanks for PerfectlyTimedPhotos.com

Sticky Tape Spider Web

2011-03-23T21:35:00.003+11:00

Also check out awesome sticky tape art at: http://onski.blogspot.com/2007/05/sticky-tape-art.html

http://www.geekologie.com/2010/07/sticky_business_packing_tape_s.php

Crazy Body Art

2011-03-23T21:29:00.004+11:00

Lego Tattoos

2011-03-23T21:25:00.004+11:00

Here is a range of adverts for Pilots Extra Fine Tipped Pens, using lego men and women tattooed.

http://www.geekologie.com/2010/07/when_good_legos_go_bad_tattooe.php

Everyone is Racist

2011-03-21T22:26:00.000+11:00

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

Thats not a penis - FAIL

2011-03-21T22:23:00.003+11:00

WTF Old School Black and White Photos

2011-03-21T22:03:00.006+11:00

As seen on: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/50-unexplainable-black-white-photos

UK Classifieds

2011-03-05T19:28:00.002+11:00

UK CLASSIFIED ADS

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old.

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Chalk Guy ... Amazing Images

2011-03-05T19:09:00.002+11:00

Three Old Girls

2010-12-15T19:36:00.001+11:00

Barbara - Pat – Jenny

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation

when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

BARBARA immediately had a stroke.

Then PAT also had a stroke.

But JENNY, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Out of the mouths (or pencils) of children

2010-12-08T12:21:00.000+11:00

New Nicknames for Australian Money

2010-11-26T14:44:00.001+11:00

We are kinda bored with the characters on the current Australian Currency, so we have come up with an idea to put a more modern day characters on the notes. Pictures will follow but for now here are the characters and the currency nicknames.

Oh and while we were at it we decided to bring back the $1 and $2 notes.

Here are the suggestions:

$1 Named after Ben Cousins - Note Nickname: Cuz.

$2 Named after Mark Ried - Note Nickname: Chopper.

$5 Named after Shane Warne - Note Nickname: Warnie.

$10 Named after Paul Vaughton - Note Nickname: Fatty.

$20 Named after Russell Crowe - Note Nickname: Rusty.

$50 Named after Tony Lockett - Note Nickname: Plugger.

$100 Named after Donald Bradman - Note Nickname: Bradman.

Your thoughts???

Irony

2010-06-01T22:18:00.001+10:00

I believe her

2010-06-01T22:08:00.000+10:00

More funnies 3

2010-06-01T22:06:00.000+10:00

More funnies 2

2010-06-01T22:01:00.001+10:00

More funnies

2010-06-01T21:49:00.001+10:00

Many more demotivationals

2010-06-01T21:35:00.000+10:00

Dr Hermann Otto Kloepneckler

2010-04-09T09:50:00.001+10:00

Click on the picture to make it bigger

More ONSKI Motivationals

2010-03-22T11:38:00.000+11:00

New Alburn - Midnight Foil

2010-03-22T11:27:00.001+11:00

Doncha wish ya girlfriend was hot like me...

2010-03-16T14:48:00.006+11:00

And then the fight started

2010-03-04T10:26:00.001+11:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on theradio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself.."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Worst Plane Fix Ever

2010-02-26T12:59:00.002+11:00

Listen here ladies

2010-02-26T12:58:00.002+11:00

Click picture to make it bigger.

Mixture of pictures for laughs 16

2010-01-06T23:15:00.004+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 15

2010-01-06T23:14:00.003+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 14

2010-01-06T23:13:00.000+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 13

2010-01-06T23:12:00.000+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 12

2010-01-06T23:11:00.002+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 11

2010-01-06T23:10:00.002+11:00

Silly motivational type posters (but not really)

2010-01-06T23:08:00.001+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 10

2010-01-06T23:07:00.004+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 9

2010-01-06T23:07:00.002+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 8

2010-01-06T23:05:00.001+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 7

2010-01-06T23:04:00.002+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 6

2010-01-06T23:03:00.000+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 5

2010-01-06T23:02:00.001+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 4

2010-01-06T23:01:00.000+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 3

2010-01-06T23:00:00.002+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs 2

2010-01-06T22:59:00.002+11:00

Mixture of pictures for laughs

2010-01-06T22:53:00.001+11:00

Inspirational Posters

2008-08-28T20:27:00.007+10:00

Dickhead in my pool

2008-08-28T20:24:00.001+10:00

Never Underestimate the Power of Make-Up

2008-08-28T15:36:00.002+10:00

Shitty resturant in Taipei

2008-08-27T17:54:00.004+10:00

Modern Toilet is a Taipei restaurant. It accommodates 100 seats with each made from toilet bowls. The specialties at the restaurant accompany sink faucets and gender-coded 'WC' signs that appear on the three-story structure. The food is served in mini plastic toilet bowls. The toilet rolls that serve for wiping hand and mouth are hung above the tables, which may resemble glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.

Mongolian VD

2008-08-27T17:52:00.001+10:00

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Britain, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later, and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare, and almost unheard of here ... We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.
'The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My British doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Blitish docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way.. No need to opelate!
'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Computer dependance

2008-08-27T17:46:00.002+10:00

Some say we have become to depandant on out computers.

Here is a test: Are you Male or Female?

To find out look down....

...
...
...
...
...

I said look down you idiot, not scroll down!

Tightest Jeans Ever!

2008-07-01T18:52:00.001+10:00

No not her, the bloke on the right. Ah the joys of Southbank, Melbourne. Click the picture to make it bigger (for those with a dirty mind it will make the picture bigger, nothing else. :P

Cruel Eye Test For Old Blokes

2008-07-01T18:44:00.001+10:00

For you blokes who need this picture bigger, you can click on it. If after that you still need it bigger then I am sorry you have been diagnosed as old.

Men In Training

2008-07-01T18:40:00.002+10:00

Largish Lady is Leotards - At least she's trying

2008-07-01T18:37:00.001+10:00

Asian Translations again

2008-06-17T21:28:00.003+10:00

Ultimate Pizza - How to make it

2008-06-17T21:23:00.005+10:00

Cloning Gone Wrong - These are Great!

2008-06-17T21:08:00.006+10:00

Fantastic work to ever did these, I would love to reference them but the only reference I have is www.worth1000.com which has a heap of other great photography.

Sex with my car

2008-06-17T20:57:00.003+10:00

Click on this picture to make the article big enough to read or ask me for it My problem is that the exhaust of a VW Beetle is extremely small as seen below.

Cock Sock

2008-06-17T20:56:00.001+10:00

Out there people

2008-06-17T20:46:00.005+10:00

Real Mans 6 PackAbout RightRedneck boatingD'ohTrying to get the M&M out that dropped in his beerWorth it?Atomic Wedgie!Roar!!Meow!!Knob heads seems an appropirate comment.If only they home delivered.

Sting Ray Migration

2008-06-17T20:42:00.001+10:00

Gotta Love Work

2008-06-17T20:40:00.001+10:00

Clinton Jones face gets mashed

2008-06-17T20:39:00.003+10:00

Pubic Hare

2008-06-17T20:39:00.002+10:00

More Asian Translations Gone Wrong

2008-06-17T20:32:00.003+10:00

Indian Power

2008-06-17T20:28:00.003+10:00

Your bank's computer system is most likely hosted here! Happy?

Hypenated wedding names gone wrong

2008-06-17T20:18:00.004+10:00

Australian Tourism

2008-06-17T20:11:00.001+10:00

An Australian tourism site has recently posted some of the most beguiling questions received by potential travellers to our fair shores, as well as potential answers. Any of these sound familiar?

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I've never seen it rain on TV. How do your plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all of our plants fully grown and then sit around watching them die.

Q: My wife and I enjoy walking tours. How long will it take us to get from Perth to Sydney on foot? (Canada)
A: How long did it take you to do your last 4,000 kilometre walk? Bring a bottle of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, can you send me a list of all of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: What is the weather like in Vienna in May? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available year-round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful nation of vegan hunters and gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Are the rattlesnakes in Melbourne deadly? Do you sell anti-venom at the grocery store? (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where you come from. Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make great pets.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? If so, when? (France)
A: Occasionally, and if so than during our Christmas annual leave.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go in Australia? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Driver straps in beer, leaves kid loose

2008-06-17T19:57:00.001+10:00

Police in Alice Springs say they were appalled to find a driver put a seatbelt around a carton of beer - but left a five-year-old child unrestrained.

Officers stopped the unregistered sedan on the Ross Highway south of Alice Springs on the weekend.

They found the child sitting in the back seat without a seatbelt, but the driver had put a belt around a slab of beer.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/05/13/2242848.htm?section=justin

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

2008-06-17T19:52:00.000+10:00

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Chair-sniffer Troy Buswell 'was in mock sexual ecstasy'

2008-06-17T19:49:00.000+10:00

THE woman at the centre of the seat-sniffing scandal involving West Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell says he writhed in mock sexual pleasure during the incident.

The woman, who remains unnamed, told The West Australian newspaper Mr Buswell sniffed her chair twice within 10 minutes, while groaning and making "sexually satisfying noises".

Mr Buswell has admitted sniffing the seat of the Liberal female staff member in an office at Perth's Parliament House in October 2005.

He yesterday survived a Liberal party room move to dump him in the wake of the scandal.

The woman was today reported by The West Australian as saying that Mr Buswell placed a chair on his head twice within 10 minutes, sniffing it before writhing in mock sexual ecstasy.

"We finished the meeting (with a constituent), I walked the bloke downstairs and out of parliament, and when I got back I walked into the room to pick up my notepad from the desk and Buswell started grabbing the chairs going 'aahww, which one did you sit in? I'll be able to tell'," she said.

"And then he picked them up and started sniffing them and groaning and making sexually satisfying noises. I went, 'you're sick, knock it off', and grabbed my staff and walked out, but he didn't pay attention to a word I said."

The woman said she was standing with colleagues about 10 minutes later when one of them knocked on Mr Buswell's door to ask one of his staff to lunch.

"Buswell opened the door really wide, grabbed a chair and started sniffing it, lifted it above his head sniffing it and breathing in, going 'aaww yeah'," the woman said.

"It was awful. My colleagues, the four men I worked with, were just stunned into silence."

Mr Buswell, who is set to lead the Liberal Party to the next election after surviving yesterday's party room meeting, says he considered resigning over the incident and its aftermath.

"I have given that consideration," he said on Fairfax Network radio.

"It's been a difficult week for me personally, but as I say that would shade into insignificance compared to the impact on the lady concerned.

"It would've been extremely difficult for her. It's been a difficult week for my family and my colleagues, and of course I gave that consideration."

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23653855-2,00.html

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

2008-06-17T19:47:00.001+10:00

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena (who happens to be a blonde) is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Two genies

2008-06-17T19:36:00.001+10:00

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it. Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

Optimistic Man

2008-06-17T18:53:00.001+10:00

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach thesubject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking at her over his glasses, he gazed into her eyes, asking optimistically: "Was that one word or two?"

The Deaf Bookkeeper

2008-06-17T18:49:00.001+10:00

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Trevor Marmalade Look-a-like

2008-04-10T22:22:00.001+10:00

Mixed bag of funny pictures

2008-04-06T16:55:00.004+10:00

Pictures thanks to www.boners.com

Chicks in a Hot Tub

2008-04-06T16:53:00.002+10:00

Pictures thanks to www.boners.com

One for Brendan Fevola and Kane Johnson

2008-04-06T16:44:00.002+10:00

Pictures thanks to www.boners.com

Right Time for the F Word

2008-03-06T21:23:00.002+11:00

Two Blonde Genies

2008-03-06T21:11:00.002+11:00

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it. Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

New Jersey Pride

2008-03-06T19:29:00.008+11:00

The spray on tan that some of these guys have is freaking priceless. Plus the hair is pretty sweet too (I'd sooner be caught rockin' a mullet).
The guy in front is a loser because he doesn't have his collar popped.
What the hell is with the 'Blue Steel?' Is everyone in Jersey Derek Zoolander.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Steroids are awesome (superman belts are too!)
This guy is probably thinking, I wish I was a little bit steroid-ier.
Goose makes me look so cool.
It's the angry guy from before, and he's joined by Sly Stallone's creepy pysco cousin. How funny would it be if all these guys were 25? In Jersey, anything's possible.
I wish those were reverse lights.
I can't tell, is this the same guy?
Check me out, I just bought some sweet new jump suits, and I'm super psyched to try out this new hair gel.
Please note the guy on the right. He's a little too pale. Maybe his oompa-loompa friend could help him out.
Now doesn't he look so much better in this picture?
I mean if the objective was to grab your attention, mission accomplished. Tell me your eyes didn't go straight to pink jacket.
'Wait, so how many layers of this stuff are we supposed to put on?'
I think these guys could really use a couple cans of tan.

Optimism Is The Best

2008-03-06T19:27:00.005+11:00

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking at her over his glasses, he gazed into her eyes, asking optimistically: "Was that one word or two?"

Is China ready for the Olympics?

2008-03-06T19:18:00.002+11:00

South Australian Retirement Plan

2008-03-06T19:16:00.001+11:00

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

Jack Schitt

2008-03-06T19:12:00.002+11:00

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

No Response Coppers

2008-03-06T19:04:00.001+11:00

George of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story)

Matt Damon Vs Jimmy Kimmel

2008-02-26T12:25:00.002+11:00

Sarah Silverman's Matt Damon song. Oh this made me laugh, Matt Damon was a good sport on this one.

Matt Damon & Guillermo in Bourne Ultimatum - Jimmy Kimmell

Matt Damon gets blown off by Guillermo on the Red Carpet - Jimmy Kimmel

Spoiler Time...

2008-02-26T12:21:00.003+11:00

Prince Charles and the hooker

2008-02-26T12:19:00.000+11:00

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b@stard?!"

Old Play On Word Jokes

2008-02-26T12:13:00.003+11:00

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A st rong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'We l l,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks t! ! he dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yester day, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Work Posters - Timely

2008-02-26T12:11:00.000+11:00

Speed Camera beaten

2008-02-26T12:08:00.001+11:00

New Ikea Car

2008-02-26T12:06:00.001+11:00

New School Childrens Books

2008-02-13T09:33:00.000+11:00

Engineering Question of the Day

2008-02-12T11:10:00.000+11:00

Q.) How much does a house weigh ???

A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

Noosa Apartment

2008-02-12T09:59:00.000+11:00

Hi everyone,

I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because I wanted to wait until things were final.

I have purchased a 1-bedroom unit on Noosa Beach as an investment property! Closed the deal today and thought that I would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodation for long weekends at the beach. It's available for weekends and on a weekly basis. I will be handling bookings until I can find an agent.

For friends and family, I will be asking $150 for weekends up to three nights, & $250 per week. In any case, it's a 1 bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush green trees, and has a lovely ocean view from every window!

See photo attached. Let me know if you're interested. Could do you a real special deal.

What do you think???

Snake Zapper

2008-02-11T16:04:00.000+11:00

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm. After a few Weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.

About a week later, this is what he found!Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away.

Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's "few teeth?"
(Note: the wires are 10 inches apart.)

ONSKI'S WORLD

The Shredder

Tribute to Captain Spaulding

Rob Zombie Festival Hall Melbourne 2011

Perfectly Timed Photos

Sticky Tape Spider Web

Crazy Body Art

Lego Tattoos

Everyone is Racist

Thats not a penis - FAIL

WTF Old School Black and White Photos

UK Classifieds

Chalk Guy ... Amazing Images

Three Old Girls

Out of the mouths (or pencils) of children

New Nicknames for Australian Money

Irony

I believe her

More funnies 3

More funnies 2

More funnies

Many more demotivationals

Dr Hermann Otto Kloepneckler

More ONSKI Motivationals

New Alburn - Midnight Foil

Doncha wish ya girlfriend was hot like me...

And then the fight started

Worst Plane Fix Ever

Listen here ladies

More motivational type posters.

Mixture of pictures for laughs 16

Mixture of pictures for laughs 15

Mixture of pictures for laughs 14

Mixture of pictures for laughs 13

Mixture of pictures for laughs 12

Mixture of pictures for laughs 11

Silly motivational type posters (but not really)

Mixture of pictures for laughs 10

Mixture of pictures for laughs 9

Mixture of pictures for laughs 8

Mixture of pictures for laughs 7

Mixture of pictures for laughs 6

Mixture of pictures for laughs 5

Mixture of pictures for laughs 4

Mixture of pictures for laughs 3

Mixture of pictures for laughs 2

Mixture of pictures for laughs

Inspirational Posters

Dickhead in my pool

Never Underestimate the Power of Make-Up

Shitty resturant in Taipei

Mongolian VD

Computer dependance

Tightest Jeans Ever!

Cruel Eye Test For Old Blokes

Men In Training

Largish Lady is Leotards - At least she's trying

Asian Translations again

Ultimate Pizza - How to make it

Cloning Gone Wrong - These are Great!

Sex with my car

Cock Sock

Out there people

Sting Ray Migration

Gotta Love Work

Clinton Jones face gets mashed

Pubic Hare

More Asian Translations Gone Wrong

Indian Power

Hypenated wedding names gone wrong

Australian Tourism

Driver straps in beer, leaves kid loose

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

Chair-sniffer Troy Buswell 'was in mock sexual ecstasy'

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

Two genies

Optimistic Man

The Deaf Bookkeeper

Trevor Marmalade Look-a-like

Mixed bag of funny pictures